Growing up in Hackney, East London I loved it. However I was very much involved within the gang and drug culture family members, boyfriends, friends and myself included were all apart of this culture.
I don’t talk about this part of my past, not because I’m ashamed I suppose most people would tell me I should be but unless you lived my life it’s hard to understand.
I’ve witnessed shootings, stabbings, I’ve been stabbed, had fight’s, saw fights things you wouldn’t even believe the list goes on. It was all normal, now looking back it’s crazy but it was so normal to me – it was normal to people like me.
I decided to move out of Hackney when I was 18 year’s old, I moved out to get away from my ex-boyfriend who had been charged with firearms and drugs. He was abusive to me for year’s you can read about that here. I finished with him before he got arrested, that didn’t stop the Police from raiding my mum’s house as they thought he left gun’s at my mum’s flat. I’m super embarrassed that happened to my mum and no matter what relationship we have now she didn’t deserve that.
Hackney is a small place so everyone knows everyone, my boyfriends throughout the years were the same, all associated with gangs/drugs. I can’t stress how normal it was in my world and circle for this.
Once I moved out of London I was still there everyday, all my friends, and family lived there.
I fell pregnant with my daughter when I was 19 years old and when she was one, I decided to seperate from her father. We were on different path’s I wanted a different lifestyle, now I had a child things had changed! I had changed.
Without going into everything in this post, my husband is the only man I’ve been with who has worked! Shocking. I was thinking today after a conversation with my cousin who lives in Hackney that without knowing I’ve tried not to think about that part of my life Why? It was a very dark place for me, I was a different person.
I’ll admit when I talk about this or I want to express myself or make videos on these topic’s I feel isolated and judged. I can’t be the only Youtuber or blogger that has lived this life?! I relate to some Youtuber’s and blogger’s but there is no-one I can relate my first 22 years of my lifestyle to. I suppose I’m just not you’re typical mummy blogger or Youtuber and it’s taken me a while to know that I’m ok with that.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is I need to stay true to myself, it’s apart of me and made me who I am today. I don’t want little girl’s or teenage mum’s who were just like me not to be able to relate to someone. I want these girl’s to know that you can get out of that life, I did.