I struggle with emotions, no that’s a lie! I struggle with my feelings when it involves my mum and family.
I eat my emotions.
I never knew this was a thing until I got diagnosed with a eating disorder last year. People always say how strong I am and positive even know I’ve been through so much shit. How much can one person take, but I don’t know any other way other than to survive.
But am I?
I would say I was until I realised that the damage was inside me, I was eating all of my emotions. I would be ok but only if I could eat what I want all day everyday. Why is this I asked?
During counselling I learnt that I had forgotten or tried to forget a lot of my childhood and my adolescent years. It wasn’t just my mum and family that affected me it was the abusive relationship I was in and the relationship I had with a man who battles addiction. And abusing myself with starting relationships with boys I didn’t care for but did so because I craved love. The more I didn’t care for them the more they liked me, what a head F*ck!
Wow! Did I really have all this inside me, I thought this was normal for so long. Surely everyone’s life where I lived was like this.
I eat my emotion’s, and it’s so shit! I’ve never been this big in my life, I need to face up to my demon’s it’s effecting my body and health.
I get told all the time, that I’m disgusting for sharing parts of my life with you all from family members!
I really want to share with you all my demons so you don’t feel alone! Even for just one person not to feel alone, but I’m not there yet. I still worry how I would make my mum and family look. Which shows I still have a way to go.